how much does it cost to be pretty?

like in literal american dollars ?$?$?$?$?$?$?$?$

A few years ago, I saw a plastic surgeon. I was writing this piece for Chicago Magazine, and the goal was to find out what it would take for a regular person (me) to become, like, really pretty.

THE BEFORE

The answer: $46,000.

Obviously I needed an eye lift ($15,000) because if we know anything about today’s Instagram beauty standards, the look is STARTLED, HUNTY. With a touch of Dr. Spock.

The surgeon also suggested rhinoplasty ($15,000) to bring up the tip of my nose and scoop the bridge, giving me an ideal cutie-patootie schnoz a la Jessica Alba. And I’d also need buccal fat removal ($15,000), to get the current HERE ARE MY CHEEKBONES, GODDAMMIT Hollywood look.

this pic of Demi Moore from Fendi 2021 haunts my dreams (even more than her finger in The Substance!!)

Included in the buccal fat removal would be the insertion of said fat into my chin to prevent my chin from turning “witchy”—a possibility I’d never even considered!!!—and then of course a nice dose of lip filler ($1,200) for a grand total of: $46,200.

Since I’m just a random mother living in the Midwest, it was pretty easy to rej…